Gardening with Grandma

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets..."

Happy Gardening.

Submitted by: Liz in Canada

Submitted by: Rhonda in Atlanta, GA

An Italian Boy's Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed, Father."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo?"

"Please Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

Submitted by: Liz in Canada

Submitted by: Mike in Valencia, CA

Is it time?

How do you know when it is time to "hang up the car keys"? I say when your dog has this look on his face! A picture is worth a thousand words.

Submitted by: Terri in Palm Springs, CA

Submitted by: Sue in Pennsylvania

Bet you read this twice...

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get one. They sit down and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them saying:

"Emma comesa firsta. Den I come.

Den 2 asses come together,

I come once-a-more!

Two asses, they come together again,

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time.

The lady can't take any more. "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she snorted indignantly. "In this country we don't yell about our sex lives in public places!"

"Hey, cools down lady."

"Who'sa talkin' abouta sex? I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'!"

Submitted by: Liz in Canada

Submitted by: Sue in Pennsylvania

Love a good Catholic joke...

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other... very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, "'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."

Submitted by: Terri - Palm Springs, CA

A guy goes to a doctor’s office and says he needs help because he thinks he’s a moth. The doctor tells him he came to the wrong doctor and what he needs is the psychiatrist down the block. The guy answered, "I know. I was heading to the psychiatrist but I noticed your light was on."

Submitted by: Denis - Sherman Oaks, CA

This man is visiting Chicago and walks outside on Michigan Ave. and sees a huge funeral procession moving down the street. He notices two hearses and behind each hearse is a doberman and a long line of people. He walks up to a man ready to enter a limosine and asks "Hey buddy, what's going on?" "Did somebody famous die?" The man answers no. "The first hearse has my wife." The visitor says, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry. What's with the doberman?" "Well, he killed her." The man answers. The visitor then says, "Oh wow, I'm so sorry. Hey buddy, what's with the second hearse?" To which the man replies, "Well, that's my mother-in-law." The visitor says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. What's with the doberman?" "He killed her." the man says. The visitor shakes his head and asks, "Hey buddy, do you think I could borrow those dogs?" Man replies "Sure, but you'll have to get in line!!"

Submitted by: Sue in Pennsylvania

This boy comes home from school one day and says "daddy daddy" I'm the only one in my class that can count to ten! His father replies "well son, that's because you're from Kentucky!" The next day he comes home and says "daddy daddy! I'm the only one in my class that can recite my ABC's!" Father replies, "well son that's because you're from Kentucky." Next day, the boy come's home and says "daddy daddy!" I have the biggest penis in my class, is that because I'm from Kentucky?" Father replies, "No, son... that's because you're 25!!"

Submitted by: Mike in Pennsylvania

During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to the side of road. Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse".

Submitted by: Rhonda - Atlanta, GA

After being married for 42 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19-year-old chick.

'Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 61-year-old woman. It seems to me that I'm missing out here.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 19-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis!

Submitted by: Tammy in Canada

A doctor calls his patient and says, "Frank, I have bad new and worse news."
Frank says, "What's the bad news?"
Doctor says, "You have two days to live."
Frank says, "What's the worse news?"
Doctor says, "I tried to call you yesterday."

Submitted by: Nicole - Las Vegas, NV

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really REALLY loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered I was listening to my iPod... and how was your day?

Submitted by: Liz in Canada

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

Submitted by: Becky - Decatur, Texas

Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them you are a mile away and you have their shoes!

Submitted by: Stephanie - Lake Tahoe, CA

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen'.

Submitted by: Terri - Palm Springs, CA

What's your best joke? Email it along with your name, city, and state to bestjokes@jennyjones.com and we'll add it to this page.