1. On Tuesday, Californians are voting on whether or not to legalize marijuana.  I’m not optimistic.  Oh, I think users will vote for it, but they’ll get to the polls sometime Wednesday.

2. Charlie Sheen!  What’s wrong with you, boy? You don’t wear a $150,000 Patek Phillippe watch to go out drinking. Whenever I go out drinking, I don’t even wear clothes!  That way, when I get drunk, the only thing I lose is my dignity.

3. Guilty! Anna Nicole’s lawyer/not-the-father/boyfriend, Howard K. Stern, is found guilty of conspiracy to provide drugs to a known addict. Sounds fair.  But shouldn’t they charge the person who provided Elvis Presley with all those Eskimo Pies?  Seriously.

4. What a shock to hear Mariah Carey is pregnant with her second child.  I hope Nick isn’t too jealous when his baby brother comes along….. excuse me?……..he’s what?……… her husband?…….. Shut Up!  My bad.

5. Maura Kelly doesn’t like Mike & Molly, saying fat people gross her out and she can’t watch them.  Maura, you clearly interact with more cats than people. Too bad fat people gross you out.  I guess you’ll never see the end of an opera.

1. The miners are finally free and home with their loved ones, never to return to that mine.  But when it’s time to face his wife, number 21 may decide to go back.

2. If Brett Favre really did send naked pictures of his package to Jenn Sterger, he was so out of bounds. When a married man makes this kind of fumble, his wife needs to drop kick him to the curb. Don’t sit on the sideline waiting for another personal foul. Tackle the problem now.  Sack him and hit the astroturf running, girl.

3. Are Demi & Ashton over?  They say, “we will forge bonds with our similarities & find compromise in our differences.” I haven’t seen a statement this evasive since they asked Bill Clinton about Monica Lewinsky. Let’s remember… “It depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.”

4. Cristine O’Donnell couldn’t think of one Supreme Court decision she disagreed with.  I can think of one decision she made that I disagree with: running for the Senate.

5. The Situation finally got voted off on DWTS.  Maybe it’s time to change his name to The Cancellation.

1. Lisa Rinna’s lips were plumped up the whole time?   Shut up!  But they looked so real!  She could have taken that secret to her grave.  Why did she tell us now? Then her store gets robbed on live TV!  Why now? A robbery in broad daylight? She doesn’t need all this drama just when she’s launching her new reality show –  just bad luck I guess.

2. Michael Bolton upset that Bruno told him he sucked?  The truth hurts.  Why would someone with zero coordination agree to do the show?  Does he enjoy being mocked?  First the hair, and now this.

3. Octomom going on welfare? Looks like she had her 15 minutes.  Or was it 15 kids? I can’t remember.  Every time she spoke, I could only stare at those sausage lips, trying to figure out how they got that way, and everything else was a blur.

4. Jerry Brown’s camp calls Meg Whitman a whore.  My dictionary defines whore as “a venal or unscrupulous person.”  It describes venal as “capable of being bought for money or open to corrupt influence.” These kinds of accusations have no place in politics.

5. Tiger Woods in a sex tape? Whaat? No way! I wouldn’t pay to see it.  I’ll wait for the box set.