I was contacted last month by a producer at The View with an invitation to appear on the show.  If you saw that post, you’ll know I was suspicious about why they wanted me during sweeps. “We’re doing a ‘Where Are They Now’ week and would love to catch up with Jenny,” they said. My rep had to ask the question. “Is this about the talk show scandal?” The producer admitted they would ask one question about it but this was mostly about what Jenny is doing now. I declined. So I thought I would check and see who actually appeared on their ‘Where Are They Now’ week.  Let’s see… where do I start?

How about starting with exactly how the week of Feb. 21^st was promoted on their website: “All week long The View is bringing back the most scandalous stories of their time.”

Monday: Amber Frey – Wife-killer Scott Peterson’s mistress.

Tuesday: Jessica Hahn – Brought down televangelist Jim Bakker when they had an affair.

Wednesday: John Wayne Bobbitt – His wife cut off his penis.

Thursday: Kato Kaelin, O.J. Simpson’s houseguest & a witness from one of the most famous murder cases in the world.

Friday: The “Mayflower Madam” Sydney Barrows, who was busted for running an international prostitution ring.

I’m glad I said no.

This week in review is dedicated entirely to Charlie Sheen…

~Lindsay Lohan doesn’t seem so troubled after all, does she? And Mel Gibson seems pretty normal right now.

~Paging Mr. Stein… Mr. Crazy McWackenstein.

~I have fruitcake on my mind and it’s not even Christmas.

~How bad do things have to be for your Hollywood publicist to quit when you’re getting more publicity than anyone on the planet?  Oh well, at least Charlie still has his personal manager, B.L. Zebub.

~Charlie should friend Moammar Gadhafi on Facebook. They have a lot in common, both floating down De Nile River believing everything in their world is fine while Gadhafi is killing his people and Charlie is killing his career.

~This can’t end well and I don’t see Charlie “winning.”  The only happy ending in store for Charlie will be from one of his porn stars. 🙂

I thought he was gone forever because I did not see him for the last two days. But I just went out again to place some bird food and I saw that beautiful tail going under some bushes, and then he came right out into the open as if to say, “Did you miss me?” Yes, I did.  I was sad and almost gave up hope, fearing the worst, looking for remnant feathers. But Baron Von Jonesenheimer is back!

I went out for lunch yesterday with two formers staffers from my talk show, Karen and Frances, whom I had not seen for eight years. We went to the Cheesecake Factory in Beverly Hills and sat outside but there was only one problem.  It was too hot! (don’t hate ;)) We caught up on old times and new things and I found out how many of my old staff are now working for Oprah. Hmmm….

He didn’t come back today. 🙁

He came back!

This time, he was in the back yard and stayed for several hours.

A small crowd gathered between all of us, the pool guy, gardeners – we all stopped working to watch.

We gave him some bird food and he ate ALL of it.

He drank some rainwater off the patio, then sauntered away, up the hill.  I’ll be ready with snacks tomorrow.

A friend just sent an “in-flight” photo she found online.

I’m looking for name suggestions…

Something exotic…

*He is a male.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I walked out on my driveway today, getting ready to run some errands, and I noticed some movement in the bushes off to the side. I thought it might have been someone’s dog because it sounded pretty big and then I saw it. It was a stunning bird with beautiful colors just walking through the plants, under some trees. I ran inside to get my camera, hoping he’d still be there when I got back. I grabbed Denis, our assistant Damon, and housekeeper, Antonia, and said, “You guys have to see this! What is it?” The bird was still there, in fact, he didn’t seem bothered by us, if maybe a bit curious. We decided it was probably a pheasant and wondered if it was somebody’s pet. I started taking pictures as he casually walked around for about ten minutes. After a while, he headed up towards the big hill behind our house, never even looking back to see if we had weapons, or a net (hasn’t he heard of “pheasant under glass?”). He had a chance to fly away but he never flapped his wings, just took his sweet time, sauntering along to the back hill, then up into the safety of some shrubbery.

We looked him up and it’s a ring-necked pheasant, not native to southern California.

We get used to the deer, coyotes, bobcats, raccoons, rattlesnakes, and skunks around here, but this was really a treat.

I hope he comes back.

Sunday brunch is one of my favorite things and today, Denis and I had brunch with my makeup artist from the show, Earl Nicholson. We haven’t seen each other in 3 years so we got to catch up and stuff our pie-holes at the same time. Brunch was at the Hilton in Universal Studios and guess who was at the next table? Gloria Allred. This was some fancy brunch with spectacular displays with food carved into animals. The buffet was huge! I made six trips in this order: 1) omelette bar; 2) carving station; 3) El Salvadoran papusas; 4) barbeque station; 5) fresh fruit; 6) desserts. Wait, it was seven trips – I went for carnitas and beans, too. I know that sounds bad, but we did have to walk to the parking lot. Later, we watched the Academy Awards together and I can’t have company without serving a little something, so I made crudite, guacamole & chips, deviled eggs, tuna melts & grilled cheese, store-bought California roll, and grapes. I should probably skip my midnight snack.  Here we are, together again…

Here’s Earl’s purple yam cake. Very purple… but very good!

Our streets have been blocked off all week for the Academy Awards on Sunday – it’s less commotion when the President comes to town! But I will be watching on Sunday, doing my own notes on who’s had work done and who should invest in a full length mirror. Plus I’m putting together my own list of who should win just to see if I have my finger on the pulse of the voters, or if the voters would give me the finger if I was right. 😉 Here are the nominations:

Best Actor: Javier Bardem; Jeff Bridges; Jesse Eisenberg; Colin Firth; James Franco

Best Actress: Annette Bening; Nicole Kidman; Jennifer Lawrence; Natalie Portman; Michelle Williams

Best Picture: Black Swan; The Fighter; Inception; The Kids Are Alright; The King’s Speech; 127 Hours; The Social Network; Toy Story 3; True Grit; Winter’s Bone

My choices would be: Javier Bardem (haven’t seen the movie but I think he’s sexy!), Jennifer Lawrence (haven’t seen the movie but she’s only 20 & a newcomer, how awesome would it be for her to beat the other “veterans?”, and Inception (haven’t seen it either but Denis liked it). Just because I haven’t seen the movies doesn’t mean I can’t have an opinion, right?? 🙂

Who do you think should win?

I’ve always wondered what kind of ads people place in the tabloid classifieds so I decided to take a look. I saw lots of astrologers and chat/datelines but then I saw this one tiny ad and I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Is this legal? What kind of people would need a new identity? Aren’t most of them in jail? How much is a Master’s Degree in Literature? I would like one. I decided to google the phone number and came up with a publishing company (Eden Press) that sells How-To books, like…

How to Disappear in America

Methods of Disguise

The ID Forger: Homemade Birth Certificates and Other Documents Explained

The Modern Identity Changer

Birth Certificate Fraud

Collection and Use of Social Security Numbers

Reborn Overseas

100 Ways to Disappear and Live Free

How to Make Driver’s Licenses and Other ID on your Home Computer

Does the DMV know about this?  Shouldn’t these people be arrested? But then they’d skip out on their bail & resurface as somebody else! This has to be great news for criminals. Lets hope the Taliban doesn’t pick up the Enquirer. I just can’t believe they can sell books like this! What’s next?…books like…

“Ten Ways to Steal Your Grandmother’s Identity”

“How to Print Money on Your Basement”

“Better Homes for Squatters: Beverly Hills Edition”

“Don’t Let Cataracts Keep You from Driving”

“Ponzi Schemes for Dummies”