Jes writes…
Dear Jenny,
I am a divorced single mom of two boys ages 10 & 11. I also have a live in boyfriend. We have been together for about 3 years. The divorce hit my kids hard and they spent many months away from their father, who they see now once or twice a week. Lately the boys have been giving me a hard time, when I ask them to do something, I have to ask a few times before they do it, and they are constantly arguing with each other just like boys do, typical for their age. This makes my boyfriend crazy (who was an only child, raised by his grandparents, and doesn’t know what it is like to have a brother or sister to argue with) and he gets so angry that he yells at my kids. This upsets me because his yelling scares them. He is very loud and talks very demeaning to them. He also watches my kids while I am at work and I end up getting phone calls all day long at work from them crying that he is yelling at them and punishing them. He has never hit them or anything like that. Now when they go visit their father, they tell him about the way my boyfriend acts and then he calls me and we end up fighting because I tell him that he has the right to send them to their room when they misbehave when I am not home. He feels that my new boyfriend has no right to do this and he tells my kids that the next time my boyfriend tells them to do something, to basically tell him to f* off… they don’t tell my boyfriend that, but I get so angry because he is teaching my children to disrespect adults.

My boyfriend’s actions get them so upset they cry to me and their father all the time about how much they hate my boyfriend and that they want to live with their dad and his new girlfriend. Whenever I am having a conversation with my kids, whether it’s about something that happened earlier in the day, or an argument that my children had with each other, my boyfriend butts in from the other room and yells things like, “From now on when you two argue, you both will be punished.” I get so frustrated because while I’m trying to resolve the problem with them, he doesn’t have the right to butt in and then he and I argue when I tell him to butt out !!! (I don’t tell him to butt out in front of the kids) He tells me that since he lives in the house, that he is affected by their behavior and has the right to say whatever he wants! I am so stressed, I don’t even know what to do!!! Besides this issue, my boyfriend is very good to me and makes me happy. What do you suggest? Help!!
Jes

My Response…
Jes, this boyfriend has got to go. There are different kinds of abuse – physical and emotional. This bully is verbally and emotionally abusive, not just to your kids, but to you too. You say he doesn’t hit them but the way this is going, that’s probably just a matter of time. These poor kids must be overwhelmed right now. To begin with, they’re going through adolescence and that alone is tough enough. You said the divorce hit them hard so they are dealing with the loss of their dad and upheaval of their family. And now they have this loud and abusive guy scaring them – how would you feel? They tell you he scares them and you leave them alone with him all day? Why are you putting your children through this trauma?

I agree with your ex-husband that this boyfriend has no right to discipline your boys, but I would not suggest that the boys confront the bully either. I agree that your ex should not be teaching the kids to disrespect adults, but your boyfriend has no respect for you either. He butts into you conversations because you allow him to. When he says “he is affected by their behavior and has the right to say whatever he wants” I totally disagree. He does not have that right. He is just a visitor, a boyfriend, and a lousy one at that. Jes, the situation you’ve created is not healthy for your boys. You need to take back your role as parent and get this guy away from the boys. He needs to get his own place and if you can’t live without him, then see him on your own time, at his place. Remember too that children learn by example. Do you want your boys to grow up to be mean and abusive? By allowing that to happen in your home, you are sending the message that it’s okay but I think you know it’s not. That’s why you wrote to me. You say “besides this issue, he is good to you and makes you happy. 1) He is not good to you – he is abusive. 2) “This issue” is the most important thing in your life (the well being of your children) and needs fixing. 3) You are not happy. If you need a man in your life, you could probably find a better one. Don’t abandon your kids for him. This guy will be gone soon enough but your sons will be your sons forever. They have to come first. They need you to step up now. Eliminate the problem. Eliminate the boyfriend.
Jenny

Tom writes…
Dear Jenny,
I am a graduate student who is studying to be a spec ed teacher and have come back home to take care of my mother and father. They are in their 80’s, and getting frail, but are mentally sharp and active. My question is this: would it matter to you if you were dating a guy who lives with and is taking care of his parents? I am the major caregiver as my sister and brother live in different states. Jenny, anyway thanks for listening. Thanks,

Tom

My Response…
Dear Tom,
I’ve always looked at how a guy treats his mother because if he treats her with respect, that’s the way he will treat other women. You are one of the good guys. You are what real women are looking for: a guy with character and loyalty who’s willing to make sacrifices for those he loves. Your parents are lucky to have you, but then they raised you this way. Not only is your living with your parents and taking care of them not a problem, it’s something to be admired. Any woman who feels otherwise doesn’t deserve you.
Jenny

I posted some new Vintage Videos on the site. A lot of people email asking if that’s really me on Press Your Luck (it is) which they always run on the Game Show Network and I finally found the video and posted it. I also found a funny JJ spoof featuring the late John Ritter, and there are two others: my guest appearances on sitcoms Getting By and Doogie Howser, M.D.. You’ll see how good Neil Patrick Harris was even back then. Enjoy!

Kayla writes…
Hey I’m Kayla. Only 15. Um well I found out I’m pregnant 3 months ago!!
I’m so very scared to tell my parents because my sister is 17 and they found
out and they are so pissed that she is pregnant! I need help!!
What should I do?

My Response…
Dear Kayla,
I think you already know what you have to do. It’s not easy but you have to tell your parents, and do it soon. Eventually, they will find out and the sooner you tell them, the sooner you can get proper care and come up with a plan. You’re very young and they can help you decide if you should consider adoption or if you and the father can be effective parents. Being a good parent means putting your child first, so make the decision based on what’s best for this baby, and not what’s difficult for you. Now that you’re pregnant, there will be more challenges to face besides telling your parents so you might as well get this one behind you. I know it’s not easy but there are times when we all have to do things in life that aren’t easy and it’s what helps us grow and build character. So be someone this baby will be proud of some day. Tell your parents. And do it now.
Jenny

Sara writes…
Dear Jenny,
Hi my name is Sara and I am 23 years old. For the past 4 1/2 years I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety ever since my boyfriend and I broke up. He was my high school sweetheart, my first true love.. and I really loved him. Well we were on and off for awhile until he finally found a new girlfriend who he has been with for almost 2 years. I’ve been dating around, trying to find a new guy.. but the problem is I just keep getting too attached too quickly and I always seem to end up getting my heart broken. I feel almost desperate to find someone to love me again, but time after time it just keeps ending up in heartache for me. I’m beginning to think that I will never have a real relationship again. I dream of getting married and becoming a mom and I feel like time is just passing me by and all of my friends have boyfriends and some are already married with kids. I know 23 is still young, and my mom tells me I still have “time”.. but what happens when I’m 40 years old and still alone? I don’t know, I feel like maybe I never really got over my ex and it’s hindering me from truly being happy. I mean don’t get me wrong – there are guys who try to date me but all the nice guys I don’t like, and all the bad guys I fall head over heels for. I’m just sick of crying myself to sleep at night and I want to find someone without pushing them away. Please help.. I don’t know how much more of this loneliness I can take.

My response…
Dear Sara,
I can feel the pain in your words. Where do I start? If you’ve been truly depressed for 4 1/2 years, you probably should talk to a professional who can treat your depression. However, if you’ve just been moping for 4 1/2 years, that’s a different story. I know it’s tough to lose your first love – it happened to me too and I admit that I still think about him. But it’s more wondering who he is today as a person. On a side note, I just heard from another old boyfriend that I was crazy about years ago, and now that he’s older, he’s a completely different (& not-so-nice) person – and not the Mr. Perfect I thought he was! But at the time he was my dream guy. People change as they get older, so even though teenagers are in crazy love, once they develop into adults, a lot of times they grow apart and find a more compatible partner. If you believe in fate, your ex is not the guy for you. I believe it’s actually better NOT to be tied down at 23. In about 5 more years, you’ll know better who you are and you won’t need a man to validate you. Right now you’re sounding desperate and nothing scares a good man away faster than a desperate woman. You even said you feel “almost desperate to find someone to love me again.” My advice? Stop looking for a man. You don’t need one right now. We need to find you first. Focus on your career, your work, and on yourself. You can choose not to be lonely. Go out with friends, join a gym, volunteer, take classes in something new, take a second job, do positive things and your self esteem will grow and you will soon be a new, confidant woman (the kind good men like). I think you keep falling for bad guys because that’s all you think you deserve. Soon you’ll be telling those bad guys to take a hike! If you build up your confidence, you won’t feel like you “need” a man. And as soon as you don’t need one, the right guy will find you.

Jenny

Anonymous writes…
Dear Jenny,
I am dating a great man however, his three teenaged children are rude, liars and just seriously are not worth trying with anymore. He has tried so hard with them but they do and say EVERYTHING their mother tells them. Our relationship is slowly ending because of them, something is always brewing and stirring amongst them. We were talking marriage and were very thankful to find each other again after all this time. How do I tell him it is over because of his children and his ex? I cannot take it anymore. I will miss him dearly and I need the correct words reminding him it is not him.
Thank you,
Anonymous

My response…
Dear Anonymous,
I have been exactly where you are. I was dating a great man with four children and I married him, too naive to know that his children would impact my life forever. Luckily, you are not married to him yet, and I can assure you that if you did marry, things would only get worse. But it seems you know that already. And my guess is he probably does too. I don’t see any reason to blame anyone as that would serve no purpose except to alienate his family. If you care about him, then don’t put him in the position of his kids being blamed for this relationship ending. My suggestion is to take the high road and tell him that this relationship is just too complicated and that you need to move on. But be firm and don’t give him the opportunity to say how things will get better, etc… They won’t. “I still care for you, but I don’t see a future together for us.” He’ll know why and you’ll be leaving with dignity and class. I wish you the best.
Jenny

“Overprotected” Writes…
Hi, Jenny. I’ve been dating this guy for over a year. He’s 21 and I’m 18. My parents don’t really let me out and when they do, I have to be home at 8. They’re very strict and don’t want anything to happen to me. I understand that I’m living under their roof and have to follow their rules, but shouldn’t I be able to just be a teenager and have fun with my friends and bf? I love him a lot and have been fighting to be with him but it’s really getting hard lately. He told me if I can’t see him more we’ll have to break up. He said we could still be friends but I still want to be his girlfriend. What can I do or say to my parents so that I can keep my relationship with my boyfriend and my parents strong.

Always,
“Overprotected”

My Response…
Dear Overprotected,

I agree that your parents are overprotective. At 18 years old, a lot of kids have left home to live on their own. I know I did. A curfew of 8 pm seems extreme but you must know they are doing this out of love. Unless your boyfriend is a bad guy, like a drug-user or is promiscuous, you may be able to negotiate with your parents. As a start, why not suggest double-dating with two other family members that they trust. Once they get used to that, try going to an evening movie with just your bf, tell your parents where it is, what time it’s over, and then come right home. If they can take it slowly like that, you might have some success. I also suggest having your guy over to spend time with your parents and let them know him. Maybe if they knew him better, they would loosen up a bit. It’s my opinion that by overprotecting you, they are not helping prepare you for the real world, where you will have to deal with things on your own. If you’re a student, maybe you could try living on campus. If not, and you have a job, maybe it’s time to move out.

Jenny
p.s. If your boyfriend truly cares for you, he will wait for you.