California Fan writes…
Hi, Jenny,

A few years ago, my wife and I decided to make a new start for our 2 kids and moved from California to Arizona. Since then, my mother passed away and my dad moved out of his house, but kept it, and got a smaller place for himself. He really wanted us to move into the old house, which we did. He had given a few of my mom’s things away but the rest is still in the house. We are trying to move in after 2 months but still have not unpacked our belongings. My dad lived in this house for 30 years and out of respect for him, we do not throw or give anything away without asking him first. Some of it is his old stuff that he hasn’t used in 15 years but he won’t throw it away. It gets worse. Like I said, it’s his house and on a daily basis he storms into what is our room now, he goes through things and yells at me or my children because things are not exactly the way he left them. I can’t live like this much longer. I gave up a well paying job with lower living expenses in Arizona and moved back here so my father would not be alone and end up a bitter old man. I’m almost at my wit’s end.

“California Fan”

My Response…
Dear California Fan

First of all, I admire you for respecting your dad, as frustrating and difficult as it must be. I also understand how lost he must be without his partner. Clearly, moving into his old house was not the best idea. It might have worked if you had made a clear agreement to empty the house, change the locks, and live there as a renter would, but he doesn’t seem ready to let things go. You can’t continue to live there under these conditions. The question is, what’s the best way to fix it? It seems to me he might be happier living in his old house with all his memories, so maybe you could suggest that to him. You might even find out he regrets moving out but doesn’t want to ask you to leave. Or maybe he’d be open to putting their old belongings in storage so it will feel more like your place and he won’t be upset with your “invasion.” Arizona is not too far from California so I would also consider moving back. Or if you want to be closer to your dad, move to another place across town. Tell him there are many reasons why it’s not working and offer to help him either sell or rent the old house, or move him back in, whatever he wants. Whatever option you choose, you really have to make a change. Living in this stressful environment is not healthy for your family, or your dad.
My best,
Jenny

“Very Confused” writes…
Dear Jenny,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. He has some control issues and is very jealous. Sometimes the fighting is just verbal and sometimes it does become violent. Everything I do is wrong, according to him. I don’t dress the way he wants me to and we argue over our kids. I have one of my own and he has 2 by 2 different women. He says my daughter is mean and hateful, but I still love him. I’ve left him a few times but I always came back thinking if I stay and work harder, maybe we can make it. Now he says he won’t put anything into this relationship any more and if I can’t do only the things he allows me to do, then he’d rather be without me. He’s really not a bad person and has some likeable qualities. I’m stressed out and depressed and I don’t know what to do. I feel this is affecting my daughter, too. So, where do I go from here?

“Very confused”

My Response…
Dear “VeryConfused,”

I see so many red flags in your letter and they all mean this is not a good place for you. This man does not love you, no matter what he says; he just wants someone he can own. So, do you want to be a piece of property or do you want to be treated with respect? Which footsteps do you want your daughter to follow? If she sees a man demean you or hit you, she’ll think it’s okay. It is not okay, not ever. You are her role model and I think you know this is not good for her. It’s also not good for you. I don’t believe in your heart that you love him, I think you’re still there because there is a certain safety in a familiar situation, even when it’s a bad one. And don’t defend him. I’m sure Hitler had some likeable qualities too but he was a bad person. You deserve to be happy and your daughter needs to feel safe. When a man has control issues it can be dangerous to leave so I am not saying pack your bags. But if you left before and came back on your own, maybe it will be safe to leave again – you have to make that judgment carefully. If he really says he’d rather be without you and doesn’t care, and only if you’re sure he won’t want his “property” back, then take the opportunity to leave and create a positive and healthy environment for you and your daughter. And wait for the right man to come along – one that respects you and loves you unconditionally.
Take care,
Jenny

Lilly writes…
Dear Jenny,

I like this guy I work with and he likes me too. But he has always said he would never date anyone he works with. We have gone out to groups and socially but I want to be more than just friends. I don’t think our personal lives would interfere with work, but he says he doesn’t want to cause trouble. I know he likes me because he acts like it at work but I don’t see why he won’t date me. I really like him but I don’t think I should have to quit my job in order to pursue a relationship with him. What do you think?

My response…
Dear Lilly,
It sounds to me like you are seeing more in this relationship than really exists. Think about it. If a guy you worked with came on to you and you weren’t interested, all you’d have to say is, “I don’t think it’s a good idea to get involved with a co-worker.” An easy out. No hurt feelings. End of story. I think that’s what he’s doing. If he really wanted you, he would find a way to be with you. So don’t quit your job. And look for a guy who wants you bad. That would be good.
Jenny

“Messed Up Mommy” writes…
Dear Jenny,

I’m pregnant with twins and I’m also dating two guys. I don’t know which one is the father but both of them want full time custody of the twins. I don’t want the babies so would it be okay to give one to each guy? They would both be loving fathers.

Messed Up Mommy

My Response…
Dear Messed Up Mommy,

First of all, do not split the twins up. It’s unthinkable to even consider splitting them up. They need to grow up together so here is what I suggest. First, tell the guys that as soon as the babies are born you will get a paternity test. It’s theoretically possible that there are two different fathers but not likely. Once the father is determined, and if he can be a responsible parent and can provide a loving and stable home for the children, then the twins may be better off with him and his family. But I’m hoping you will find your maternal instincts and choose to be the mother these babies need. The best scenario is to have both parents raise these twins. Otherwise, adoption may be a good option, but only if the twins stay together. Please make sure they grow up together, in a home where they are wanted and loved.
Jenny

Anna writes…
I’m 16 years old and I’m in an awkward situation.. Okay I am adopted by my aunt and uncle… To give you a little back ground information.. my mothers a bi-sexual and she is a police officer.. she works 24/7 and she didn’t have time to take care of me when I was younger… anyways every since I can remember, my birth mom and my adopted parents don’t get along. It seems like there is always a problem… If there not fighting over me its over something dumb… Jenny I cant take it.. Around my adopted parents I say that I hate my mother and that I don’t want to be around her but that’s not the truth. I love my mother with all me heart but I don’t want to hurt my Adopted parents feelings… Please help me…

Sincerely,
Anna

My response…
First of all, you sound more grown up than the adults. They should be having their disagreements someplace else and not in front of you. But you are lucky that you were adopted by family, so I am happy to know that. It’s tough growing up thinking your mom didn’t have time for you. My mother was an alcoholic and was never there for me either so I think I can relate. In spite of all the bad things she said to me, I still loved her so I also understand that too. You can love someone but not like what they have done. You should probably start by being honest. You don’t need to say you hate your bio-mom, in fact your parents probably know that you don’t. It sounds like she’s still in the picture so that makes her extended family. Tell your parents that just like you can love your cousins or aunts or uncles, you cal also love you bio-mom, but that doesn’t mean you don’t love them any less. As a bi-sexual working in mostly a man’s world, I imagine your mother has had lots to deal with. And not raising you herself has to be touigh for her to deal with. I wish you could all get into family counseling, but you could start, as I said, by being honest. It’s not always easy, but I have never in my life regretted being honest. In the end, just like me, this will make you strong.
Take care,
Jenny

“Stay-Over Sister” Writes…
Dear Jenny,

I’m 16 years old and my sister recently got married and moved about half and hour from our house. I often go and stay at her house for a few days. Sometimes she and my brother in-law sneak off into their bedroom. I don’t know for sure but my guess is they’re having sex. This usually happens in the middle of the day. It makes me very uncomfortable because their apartment is quite small and their bedroom is next to the living room. I usually just turn up the tv or something. Should I confront her about it? I know they’re newlyweds but it makes me so uncomfortable. What should I do?

“Stay-Over Sister”

My Response…
Dear “Stay-Over Sister,”

My guess is that your guess is right. They probably are having sex, which is perfectly normal, and they are doing it at home. Behind closed doors. In their own house. So what’s to confront her about? You’re the company. They’re having fun. Sex in the afternoon? They are definitely having fun. If it makes you uncomfortable, the next time you see them headed for the bedroom, give them some privacy. Just say, “Hey, you guys! I’m going to run out to the store. I’ll see you in a while!” They’ll know that you know and you’ll know that they know that you know and everybody can relax.

You can go to a bookstore, a library, the mall, or just go for a walk. You might burn up as many calories as they are. That way they have their privacy, you won’t be embarrassed and no one’s feelings will be hurt.
Take care,
Jenny

“A Mother Confused” writes…
Jenny,

I am a 19 year old mother of two boys. My ex and I are not together. We actually kind of still despise each other because of our past-he cheated on me. Our son’s 3rd birthday is coming up so I told him we should have a party and his girlfriend would be invited (the one he cheated on me with and then cheated on her with me). They have a daughter together and that’s my son’s sister, but he doesn’t want to have the party because the kids are two weeks apart and he doesn’t want his girlfriend to know he cheated. But if she was to come to the party, it’s not like there’s going to be a confrontation. What do you think I should do?

“A Mother Confused”

My Response…
Dear Mother Confused,

I think you should have a nice kids’ birthday party for your son and invite all his friends. Have balloons and cake and make it a fun day for your 3-year old. Leave the adults out of it. If you “despise” your ex, why in the world would you want to have the party with him? And his girlfriend? I don’t get it. Your son is three and the girlfriend doesn’t know what’s up? I would stay away from her and her daughter and not think of the kids as brother and sister. But try to work out your differences with your ex so that your 3-year old has his dad in his life. Hopefully, your ex will grow up and become a better role model for his kids.
Jenny

Craig writes…
Hey, Jenny,

My parents have been moaning at me to get a job, however, I’m finding it extremely difficult to do so. Two years ago I lost a close friend and was forced to come out about my sexuality to my parents. I already had a history of panic attacks and they were exacerbated by the pressures. This caused psychological problems which I’m still finding hard to deal with due to the strain I was put under. I returned to education only find discrimination and harrassment from my fellow students which made me leave. My parents don’t seem to understand how difficult it is to take the plunge and work because I’m scared of people hating me. I just feel like nobody understands who I am any more, and my parents don’t seem to understand what I’m going through. I just don’t know what to do any more.

Craig

My response…
Dear Craig,

To be honest, at first I thought you were just using the loss of your friend and discrimination as excuses not to get a job. But then I realized that panic attacks are real so my guess is that even without the loss of your friend and coming out, you might still be in the same place, emotionally. They say it takes two years to overcome someone’s death so you should be able to start moving on from that. If you came out to your parents and you’re still living at home, they must be accepting of your sexuality. In fact you’re lucky they are supporting you and I happen to agree that you need to start facing the realities of life and get a job. An interesting job will also help take the focus off the negative things you’ve been dwelling on. And there will always be people who might not like you but that happens to everyone. As many fans as I had on television, I also got hate mail but I knew I was a good person so I didn’t let it dictate my life. As a gay man, you are bound to face discrimination but you can’t run away from it. Your parents are trying to motivate you out of love and I believe it’s time for you to take action. You may need some counseling to do it, so if you really can’t deal emotionally with the real world, then set up some counseling this week. Show your parents that you are making the effort. You either have to take the plunge and get a job and learn to deal with life’s issues, or start counseling to help prepare you for your future. The worst thing you can do is nothing.
Jenny

“N” writes…
Jenny,
I need some advice. In the last 3 months I have had alot of bad things happen. I have gotten divorced after ten years of marriage because he hated my children who have reached the teenage years and have been a little difficult. He has no children of his own so it was much easier to hate. I choose my children, of course, and said good-bye to my marriage and my home. We moved to an apartment and I had to move everything myself because he said he would have my son arrested if he showed up on the property.

After that my son went into rehab (that has turned out to be a great thing), my 15 year old daughter had a breakdown and was hospitalized. This affected her first semester of her sophomore year and will need to repeat these classes. During her hospitalization I found out that she had been sexually abused by her stepbrother at her father’s house. We have had meetings with DCFS and the Child Advocacy Association. I know that she is glad this
is out in the open, but emotionally this has been hard for me even though I know that while she was at her Dad’s home I could not have done anything.

So we have been struggling financially through this. Doctor’s visits, medicines, therapy, trying to set-up a household. And then the check that I thought would bring us to even this Friday was stolen in a robbery at my new apartment.

Why does this have to happen to us? I was adopted and grew up in an influential home, my father was a successful investment broker. I do not do drugs or drink alcohol. I love my children. I have a modest job. I had breast cancer 3 years ago and went through that with the strength of 1,000 men, but this is much worse than that. I want 2008 to be a better year. Is there something I am not doing right in my life for these things to continue to happen to us? I feel like I am being punished. Thanks for listening Jenny

My response…
Dear “N”…
There’s no question you’ve had a lot to deal with and if you put everything else aside, having three teenage children is about all anyone should have to deal with. I also married a man with (4) teenage children and of course the marriage failed. I didn’t come first but I was never going to. So it’s no surprise your husband is gone. If your son is in rehab, chances are things were more than “a little difficult” but he’s in the right place and can turn things around with help and support. It’s sad to know that your daughter was abused but good that it’s finally out in the open. You say you’ve had meetings but I hope you pressed charges against those responsible.

I wish I had something brilliant to tell you, but I can say that you are already on a better path. You’re a proven survivor. You’ve survived breast cancer. You still have a roof over your head (a lot of people don’t), your son is getting help, your daughter is getting help, and overcoming these adversities will likely make them both stronger. And they won’t be teenagers forever. I was a troubled teen myself. I ran away from home twice and was arrested for shoplifting, but I made a comeback and so can they. It’s not your fault. These are difficult times for most people – difficult financially, and a really tough time to be raising teenagers. You’re not being punished, you’re being challenged. And so far, you are meeting things head on. Continue being your strong self and things will get better.
Jenny

It looks like whoever stole Charlie’s car also stole a Bentley and sent that down the canyon too. We heard helicopters hovering most of the day yesterday. It was a sad sight to see the fire fighters smashing the Bentley window to get inside (no driver). But it wasn’t as sad as seeing all the homes coming down today in the mud slides. Right now (2 p.m.), almost a dozen homes have been lost and hundreds of others are at risk with mandatory evacuations. I drove on Mulholland Drive earlier today and this is what we face driving in the hills. I feel lucky that I only have leaks in the house.